


Dive Too Deep

by iaminarage



Series: Make Me Happy 'verse [7]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Gen, It will not make sense out of context, Jacques Thibeault, M/M, Post-breakup, Tad Pennington, They totally have last names, anxiety cw, description of a panic attack cw, do not read unless you've read through chapter 25 of Make Me Happy, this is a backstory ficlet for the Kurtbastian fanfic Make Me Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 19:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2745053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iaminarage/pseuds/iaminarage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I wish it were spring. No, the first Harvard lacrosse game of the season is two weekends from now, and a bunch of the guys are coming from out of town for it, so some of them staying on my couch,” Sebastian explained.</p>
<p>There was something just a little off in his voice, which made Kurt ask, “Which guys?”</p>
<p>Sebastian hesitated a bit before speaking. “Well, Jacques and a couple of guys who started on defense with him. And Tad.”</p>
<p>Or: The story of the weekend that the guys spent at Sebastian’s house. From Tad’s perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dive Too Deep

**Author's Note:**

> Do not read this until after you’ve read Chapter 25 of Make Me Happy, but it takes place during Chapter 20. You don’t have to read this fic if you don’t want to, but I totally think you should. All of Make Me Happy will still make sense either way.
> 
> Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Loveinisolation.
> 
> The title comes from “Let Her Go” by Passenger (which you can consider a hint about what was going on with that song when I used it in the main fic if you so choose.)

Tad's first thought upon waking up was to wonder why on earth he was sleeping on his couch. After a minute, he remembered that it wasn't his couch; it hadn’t been his couch in years. He groaned and sat up, looking around the dark living room of Sebastian’s apartment. The rest of the guys were still asleep on the floor, and someone was snoring quietly, although he couldn’t tell who.

For a minute, Tad sat there, blinking as he tried to decide if there was any way he'd be able to get back to sleep. As tired as he was, his mind was racing now, so he knew he was going to be awake for a while.

Once that decision was made, Tad dragged himself off the couch and climbed careful over his sleeping teammates on the way to the kitchen. It was easy enough for Tad to find the spoons and the cocoa. Sebastian remained as idiosyncratic as always and didn't seem to have moved anything in the last few years.

Tad quietly filled the kettle with water and then looked around the familiar kitchen. It was so incredibly strange to be there, like stepping into a memory, or the future he'd once thought they were planning.

Without thinking, Tad turned around and pulled a mug out of the cupboard. It was just his luck that it turned out to be a cartoon-y tourist mug that Sebastian had gotten half as a joke on their trip to San Francisco. Tad could practically see Sebastian in his head, grinning and joking about how tacky the mug was and then buying it anyways.

That one clear image started an avalanche, and Tad barely managed to set the mug down before he dropped it. He felt like he was being assaulted with a year’s worth of memories of that apartment all at once. Sebastian pushing Tad back against the door and kissing him breathless as soon as soon as their parents left the day they moved in. Coming home from a late class to find Sebastian singing and dancing around the kitchen as he cooked, and then getting pulled into the dance. Sebastian getting up to make him coffee before practice. Sebastian announcing that Tad needed a break from studying and pushing Tad's notes away to climb into his lap.

Then, later, Sebastian shouting that if Tad was going to Dallas, he was going alone. Shouting at Tad for fucking everything up. Sebastian walking out of the apartment and slamming the door as Tad had a panic attack in the bathroom. Sebastian packing a bag and saying that he was going to stay with Alex until Tad was done with his exams, telling Tad to take whatever he thought was his when he moved out because none of it mattered anyways.

Tad knew that he was breathing far too fast, but he couldn't seem to get enough air. His head was spinning, and it was all he could do to grip the counter behind him and try to hold on. He felt like his entire body was shaking and, no matter how many times he tried to tell himself to slow down, he couldn't seem to catch his breath.

"Oh, shit," he heard Jacques say, and he very nearly had a heart attack. Then Jacques was next to him. "Is it okay if I touch you?" Jacques asked, and Tad nodded. The two of them had been through this before. They’d become friends Tad’s freshman year after Jacques had found him having a panic attack in the locker room.

Jacques stepped closer and gripped Tad by the elbows, helping to hold him up. Tad couldn't meet Jacques's eyes, but he could tell he was being examined closely. "Can we sit down?" Jacques asked. When Tad nodded, Jacques lowered him gently to the floor and then sat down next to him.

Tad pulled his knees up in front of him and crossed his arms, resting them on his knees. After a minute, Jacques gently lay a hand in his back and said, "Try breathing into my hand, and I'll count for you."

It was easier to slow his gasping for breath with Jacques counting for him. Tad could focus on the steady sound of his friend's voice, which helped to keep his thoughts from getting away from him. As he started to regain some control of his breathing, he picked a spot on the floor next to him and focused on it, trying to clear his mind of anything else.

It was still another fifteen minutes before he started to feel coherent. Once his head was clear, he finally registered that there was something strange about the floor.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Jacques asked, sensing that Tad was ready to talk.

"We both know you know what happened," Tad replied, still distracted by the floor.

"Which is why I asked if you wanted to tell me," Jacques said, as if that should have been obvious.

Instead of answering, Tad slid himself a few feet across the linoleum to the wall and ran a finger over the top of the baseboard. As he expected, when he looked at his finger, it was covered in a thin film of dust. That was what was weird about the floor: the whole place really. None of it was dirty by any means, but it wasn't spotless in the way things belonging to Sebastian usually were.

"Is the housekeeping not up to your usual standard?" For once, Jacques sounded more than a bit awkward. Like he'd been trying to joke about the situation but had missed the mark.

"You know it was never me who cared." Tad bit his lip. He knew he shouldn't ask his next question, but he couldn't seem to help it. "Sebastian isn't actually okay, is he?"

Jacques examined him for a minute, as if trying to decide how to answer, but all he said was, "No, he's really not."

Tad sighed and let his head drop back against the wall behind him with an audible thunk. "I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about that.” It was like he had two different but equally strong reactions battling it out in his head.

One of them was the part of Tad that had loved Sebastian fiercely, that had never been able to stand seeing Sebastian in pain, that had stayed up late at night, cuddling in tiny dorm beds and talking about how lost Sebastian had felt in Paris, and how he'd tried desperately to hide that feeling with a cover of cocky confidence and lack of concern for anyone but himself. That part of Tad was terrified and sad to know that Sebastian was struggling; somehow it was also proud that Sebastian wasn't closing himself off or throwing up walls, and that he remained the person he'd grown into over the years Tad had known him.

But the other part of Tad was still hurting over everything that had happened between the two of them. He had begged Sebastian to come with him, and Sebastian hadn't even been willing to listen. He hadn't loved Tad enough to risk changing his life. How could Tad be sympathetic when it turned out that the life Sebastian had valued more than their relationship wasn't even one that made him happy? Tad had spent the last two years trying to get over the choice that Sebastian had made. It seemed unfair that he should have to deal with the fact that Sebastian was in pain, too.

Tad pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. "Why did he do this to us?" Tad asked, his voice breaking a little.

"You know I can't answer that," Jacques replied.

"Sometimes I wish you weren't so committed to this weird benevolent God act," Tad dropped his hands and glared at Jacques.

Jacques snorted and pulled himself to his feet. "Is that what you think it is?" Then he turned the burner on below the kettle and started to look through Sebastian's cupboard.

Tad let him search for a minute before he said, "What are you looking for?"

"Baileys for the cocoa," Jacques replied absentmindedly.

"There's no Baileys," Tad said, finally getting up off the floor so he could get a second cocoa packet and mug for Jacques. "Sebastian hates it. There should be marshmallow vodka in the back of the tall cabinet on the bottom shelf."

By the time Tad had the mug, Jacques was setting the bottle of vodka on the counter. He caught Tad's eye and said, "Man, that's freaky."

"I know," Tad said with a wry laugh, grabbing the kettle just as it started to whistle. "After you break up with someone, it seems like you should get to be free of that kind of thing."

Jacques nodded and poured a liberal amount of vodka into both of their mugs. Tad took a sip and let the alcohol and the warmth of the drink flow through him and help him start to relax. “In thirty-six hours you can go home,” Jacques offered.

Tad shook his head. “This is the last place I was sure was home,” he whispered.

“Maybe it’s time to start figuring out how to fix that,” Jacques said, wrapping an arm around Tad.

“Maybe it is,” Tad replied. As soon as Tad had set foot in the apartment, he’d been sure that being back there was a mistake. And it probably was, but it might also be a chance for closure.

The last time Tad had left that apartment, he’d packed everything he owned into a rented van and dropped his keys on the counter for Sebastian. At the time, it had been a week and a half since Sebastian had walked out and stopped answering Tad’s calls. Tad had never actually gotten to say goodbye. He’d just texted Alex and asked him to tell Sebastian that he was gone and Sebastian could go home.

This time Sebastian said goodbye to all of the guys at the door on Sunday afternoon. He exchanged backslapping hugs with everyone, and told Jacques that he’d see him soon.

As they all turned and started down the stairs, Tad felt Sebastian grab his elbow, so he turned back to look at him in confusion. The other guys didn’t stop, and Sebastian spent a few seconds watching them go before he dropped Tad’s arm.

“Tad, I—fuck,” Sebastian said, running a hand through his hair and staring at the floor instead of making eye contact with Tad.

“Well, that’s hardly a surprise,” Tad replied with a snort, because he couldn’t stop himself.

Sebastian finally looked at Tad and rolled his eyes. “You aren’t helping,” he said, pouting in a way that was reminiscent of Sebastian at nineteen years old.

“Was I supposed to be?” Tad asked, grinning and leaning on his suitcase. It was hard to remember the last time Sebastian had made him smile, but it used to be all the time.

“Yes,” Sebastian said, crossing his arms. “Wait, no. Just shut up a minute.” Tad raised his eyebrows and waited for Sebastian to continue. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything.”

For a few seconds, Tad looked startled. Sebastian used to thank him like that every once in a while, back when they were together. He’d say it out of the blue while they were watching a movie or falling asleep. Sebastian had never explained what he was thanking Tad for, but Tad had always understood. It wasn’t really something he’d ever thought he’d hear again.

Tad leaned over to wrap his arms around Sebastian’s neck and said, “Thank you, too.” Sebastian hugged him back just as tightly for a long moment.

When they separated, Sebastian shoved his hands in his pocket and said, “Fly safe,” so Tad grabbed his bag and headed down the stairs.

As they drove away, Tad watched the apartment disappear through the back window of the cab. Once he couldn’t see it anymore, he took a deep breath. At least this time it didn’t feel like he was leaving a part of himself behind.

**Author's Note:**

> So now you've met Tad! I really wanted to write something about him, because I don't think you get a lot of information about who he really is in MMH. Sebastian isn't the most complete source of information on him. 
> 
> But I hope that this fic helps you get to know both Sebastian and Tad a little better.
> 
> (Also, for a bit of shameless self promotion, if you don't follow me on tumblr and missed the news, I will be published in Interlude Press's [Summer Love Anthology](http://interludepress.com/post/104796637174/introducing-the-authors-of-summer-love) this summer!)


End file.
